Colton returned to Idaho the next morning after the
bouldering date. We became facebook
friends almost immediately, and I sent him a brief message thanking him for a
fun time and for not laughing at my bouldering attempts. He sent a long reply back, complimenting me
again for giving bouldering a try, suggesting that we meet up somewhere in the
middle and sweetly admitting that he had a bit of a crush (who ever admits to
that!), and sorry that he wouldn’t be leaving me alone. I sent a brief reply saying that meeting up
would work and that he shouldn’t leave me alone because the feeling was
mutual. I signed it, “Un besito”. He sent a one-liner saying he was blown away
by my reply (which seemed like a bit of an overreaction), and then a follow-up
about details for the trip.
At this point, I was starting to get nervous. He was making it clear that he was very
interested, which was a good thing. But
it also seemed to put a lot of pressure on the visit. I did barely know him, and while I found him
sweet and intelligent and outdoorsy, I was still unsure about my degree of
attraction and about wanting to start something long-distance. I also had some serious car issues and
wouldn’t be able to drive, so he suggested that he come out to where I
live. That seemed to make the situation
even more unbalanced by requiring so much of him.
I sent him another e-mail expressing doubts about the pressure we would
feel when he traveled such a long ways and we spent a whole weekend
together, when we were just getting to know each other. I suggested that we hold off until I was
visiting my family, closer to Idaho, and meet up then when it would be easier
for both of us.
The reply he sent me should have come from a lawyer. It was a concise blow-by-blow (respectful)
rebuttal of my concerns. He let me know
that traveling was something he did a lot thanks to his pay and flexible schedule, and
not a big deal for him (which was true) and that he had been feeling lonely in
Idaho and that it was worth it for him to come a long way to have my
company. He suggested some fun, casual
things we could do together that we both enjoy and that he wouldn’t treat it
like some random fling, so there would be no need to feel pressure. He would also be meeting up with another
friend on a road trip in my area, so there was another reason for him to come.
I gave it some thought, still feeling doubts about spending
an entire weekend with a near stranger in my house. But finally I decided, what the hell, you
only live once. Might as well give it a
try. I responded to say that the things
he suggested sounded fun, and if it was truly worth it to him, he could come
visit. I also iterated that I am the
sort of person to take it SLOW (meaning in the physical department), so we
would be taking things casually for the time being.
As the visit approached, I found myself increasingly apprehensive
about it. I live in a tiny cottage and
very rarely have visitors, even just for a cup of coffee let alone overnight. I sleep in a loft (no bedroom) and my couch
is not comfortable enough for someone to sleep on. Translation:
no privacy. I am also a very
private person in some ways (though not when blogging about my love life), so having someone I
barely knew that was romantically interested in me staying for three nights in
this small, intimate place made me frankly anxious. Leading up to his visit, my birthday passed,
and he overnighted me some chocolate from Alaska. I thought this was sweet, but also a little
alarming as far as a romantic gesture I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I still tried to keep an open mind.
During his visit, we kept busy. We ate out, cooked together, summited a
mountain, visited a museum, and went rock climbing (in the same place that Mark
had taken me, amusingly enough). The
conversation flowed easily. He was funny
and smart. We talked about all kinds of
topics, but at times he came off as somewhat condescending. I enjoyed his company, but did find it a
little exhausting toward the end because I was accustomed to so much
solitude. He waited until the last evening to kiss me and didn’t try anything else physical, which was good because I
didn’t feel ready for it.
And when all was said and done, it was simply too much. There is a possibility that Colton and I
would have worked out under gentler circumstances, where feelings would have
been allowed to grow gradually and I would have time to process things and
self-assess along the way. As it was,
the visit was overwhelming. We went from
one date to a constant string of about 10 “dates” over three days. For someone like me that requires a lot of
alone time, it was a lot. What’s more, I
knew any future attempts at getting together would be just as intense – entire
weekends as opposed to individual dates.
As soon as the weekend was over, he let me know he was
working on a very long e-mail, but that the punch line was that he liked me a
lot and was wondering where to go from there.
It broke my heart because we were clearly not on the same page. I replied, letting him know that I had had a
wonderful time with him and that he was one of the nicest boys I had met in a
while. But that I just didn’t see how
things would really work out with the distance between, especially with him
moving to Alaska, and that I just didn’t feel ready for that kind of commitment
that it would necessarily involve. His
response was understanding, honest, sweet and sad. I will always think of him fondly and be
grateful for how special he made me feel.
Just another match botched by matters of time and distance.
